Mother Nature is Nuts!

Mother Nature is nuts! I hate to offend nature lovers and those whose religious zeal makes them worship earth, known as Gaea, as if it were alive. Sorry, no, you have misplaced your trust. As I just said and repeat, “Mother Nature is nuts!”

As many of my readers know, my wife, the Beautiful AP, and I have become birders. I enjoy going into the wilderness (meaning a local park with cement paths where I can’t get lost) in order to pause in wonder at those beautiful birds, flapping their wings, sitting on branches, mating, hunting and (marvelous!) taking to the air.

Give me a power and it would be the ability to fly. Up there is a whole different world of wind whipping through my wings. Mother Nature’s blind evolution has  worked wonders.  Or has it?

At first glance it might seem so but then you realize the following creatures that are called “birds”: the Ostrich, the Emu, the Cassowary, the Rhea, the Kiwi and the pungent Penguin are all scientifically classified as class: aves; genus: grounded. None of them can fly! What kind of bird is that? Might as well call an elephant a bird since it can’t fly either.

To make matters worse, our distraught Mother Nature has created 900 different species of bats that can fly! What the hell? Scientifically, bats are class: mammals; genus: disgusting rodents. Why allow them to take to the air when those “flightless birds” are wandering around on the ground?

I am disappointed. Birds should not be allowed not to fly; it is a sin of immense proportions. Do you hear that, Mother Nature?

But, sadly, flightless birds aren’t Mother Nature’s only screw-up. Take whales and dolphins and porpoises; they are mammals that never leave the water. Class: mammals; genus: wet. What the hell?

This has caused me distress in front of my grandchildren.

“And the biggest animal in the world is the blue whale. No animal ever was this big. It lives in the ocean.” I said to my lovely granddaughter.

“In the ocean?” she asked, puzzled.

“Yes, it lives in the ocean,” I repeated.

“Isn’t that supposed to be a fish?” said my quizzical grandson.

“Uh, ah, ye, um,” I stammered.

Thanks, Mother Nature! I look like an idiot in front of my grandchildren.

Oscar Hammerstein II blew off science class and then wrote the lyrics, “Fish got to swim, birds got to fly,” I’m with you, Oscar! I don’t want my world to have rodents that fly, birds that don’t, and mammals that never walk the earth. That is not a sane world. Mother Nature has proven herself to be nuts!

My only advice is to avoid explaining this anomaly to your grandchildren.

[Read Frank’s new book Confessions of a Wayward Catholic. Available on, kindle, Barnes and Noble, and at bookstores.]

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