- In the movies when a person wants to carry a gun without a holster, he puts the gun behind him in his belt. Wouldn’t that be dangerous? I mean the gun can go off and create a new butt next to his old butt. Is this really where to put a gun?
- I have been watching some of these recent demonstrations against President Trump. A noticeable number of women are wearing the hijab (a head covering) which is a cultural/religious thing Muslim women do – probably at the behest of Muslim men, meaning they are forced to do it. Even our female politicians when visiting most Muslim countries obey this dictum. Hillary and Chelsea Clinton have both worn them and, I, therefore, have this question: Shouldn’t feminists decry such headgear? Shouldn’t the leaders of the feminist movement rail against the diminishment of Muslim women? Why aren’t they?
- Russia, it’s all about Russia. Do any of you remember that Communism and the Soviet Union were the “in” things among progressives? In the legion of horror, Stalin was in the top three despots – Putin doesn’t even make the list. Obama told Dmitry Medvedev to tell Putin that he (meaning Obama) would have more leverage once he (meaning Obama) was reelected. What changed with the left since then? Suddenly they are haters of Russia.
- I can’t stand the self-righteous stance of those who know “the truth.” Didn’t Jesus stay silent when Pilate sarcastically asked him: “And what is the truth?” But I think the truth splashes both ways. We all know how it splashes on the political right – anti-science, silly theories of history, enslavement to ideas that are irrational, but what of the political left? Having met many in the pro-abortion movement, I see the same kind of religious fervor with them as I do with the most extreme Baptist in some tiny clapboard church out in the backwoods. Why is it that some secular tenets are adhered to with such religious zeal?
- Does affirmative action and diversity on college campuses simply come down admitting people of different colors? Has college admissions actually become a coloring book?
- [Read my book Confessions of a Wayward Catholic!]
Author: fscobe144
Nature Flipped Me the Bird
I have become somewhat passionate about this birding business. My wife, the Beautiful AP, and I planned on a birding weekend. We planned that just the two of us were going to go to Camman’s Pond Park in Merrick on Saturday morning so AP could take some pictures of White-Hooded Mergansers which are supposed to be plentiful there.
Two days prior we had had a 12-inch snow storm and the park, we presumed, was loaded with snow. But we were going anyway except…
The Beautiful AP got a call from Scuba Steve who owns the pool where we swim and where she teaches swimming, asking her if she could teach classes that day since one of the other swim teachers was out sick. She said yes, leaving me and the White-Hooded Mergansers for another time.
AP has a saying, “No day goes as planned.” Well obviously going to teach swimming disrupted our original plan but even the swim-teaching plan went off the rails. Some tiny tot had diarrhea in the pool and everyone had to leap out.
She came home early. “A kid pooped in the pool,” she said.
“Crap,” I said.
Sunday our South Shore Audubon Society bird walk was to be at the Massapequa Preserve. Joe, our bird-walk leader, went on Saturday to check out the conditions. It was snowy and wet and, yes, icy – and Joe slipped and fell. Plus rain and sleet were predicted. So that walk was cancelled.
No day goes as planned. Often that is because Mother Nature has something else in mind—and this weekend, she clearly flipped me the bird.
Genetic Roulette
Everything in life is a gamble. Whether it’s crossing the street, deciding what to eat, whom to date, whom to marry, flying in a plane, taking a shower, just sitting in your living room; all of these activities could end in happiness, misery and perhaps death. That’s the way it is.
Marriage is not the worst of gambles because divorce is always there to save an individual in a bad marriage, so there is a legal out. Of course, depending on your religion, divorce might not be an option. If you decide to divorce a spouse who enjoys firing guns, using knives or loves to punch away, asking for a divorce could be a terrible gamble.
I think the most awesome gamble is having children; it is a lifelong commitment for men and women who take having children seriously and don’t feel free to desert them.
All parents play genetic roulette when procreating. Spin the genetic wheel and you hope the child who is born is a nice one who becomes a fine adult. No parents know what kind of kid they will have; what kind of adult that kid will grow up to be. Genetic links to beings long, long gone can come out at any time. It is roulette made of flesh.
Genetic leanings that characterized Uncle William who died in the Tower of London centuries ago might just manifest themselves in your sweet baby— and ultimately Attica prison ultimately becomes his residence.
What do parents see, hear and feel as junior grows up? Here is an example:
“Oh, my, my, he is such a beautiful baby. I think he might be President of the United States someday. He looks so intelligent.”
“He doesn’t play well with of the kids around here because they just aren’t at his intellectual level.”
“His grades are low. I think the school underestimates his ability.”
“The cop said he showed a lot of respect so his bail was set low.”
“I’m hoping he actually gets that high school diploma. All those suspensions! The school just doesn’t have the resources to educate him properly.”
“He has his own apartment. In our basement. His employers don’t see his genius and they let him go.”
“At least he hasn’t killed anyone.”
“Yet.”
We never know what will arise from our genetic history. You just never know who your child will be.
How does this relate to gambling? That is simple really. Look at all the games. The house edges and the total number of bets that can be made. They constitute the double helix of gambling action.
Craps has a multitude of bets – the game is like Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Blackjack has even more choices a player can make. Add in roulette, baccarat, Pai Gow Poker and a host of other games, including machines, and what comes up is, well, anybody’s guess. The “genes” of the gambling games (the house edge and the types of bets) are in every corner of the casino and they aren’t always good. Look at the casino floor and you are looking at a mass of gambling genetics.
We all want to win. We all want the best results. We all want those bets to favor us. The hope of, “My child can one day become President,” can be reduced to, “At least he hasn’t killed anyone…yet.” Similarly, “I’m going to win a fortune,” can be reduced to, “I just lost the money for my heart operation.” And that is all due to “genes.”
There are more bad bets than good ones. That’s the truth and that is a truth many gamblers refuse to recognize. They will be victims of the genetic roulette of casino games. That is the way it is and has always been for the overwhelming majority of gamblers. In short, almost all parents will not produce the President of the United States.
[Read my book I Am a Card Counter: Inside the World of Advantage-Play Blackjack. Available on amazon.com, kindle, Barnes and Noble, and at bookstores.]
The Top 10 Zombie Movies
- Shaun of the Dead (2004): Simon Pegg (co-writer and star), Nick Frost, and co-written by Edgar Wright (writers deserve credit on this baby). Not only is this a great zombie movie, it is a great movie. The story of a near-do-well loser, his estranged girlfriend, her friends, his one friend, his mother and stepfather surrounded by zombies shuffling to take over England. It is a funny exploration of just how “off” the world of man can be with or without zombies. Just terrific and with each viewing you will see more and more that you missed previously.
- Dawn of the Dead (2004): I hate fast-moving zombies. Depending on when a person died the body is in some state of rigor mortis. Even freshly dead zombies can’t have fast-twitch muscles. With that said, this reboot of the original “Dawn of the Dead” has everything a zombie movie needs, a cast of great characters who don’t always get along; a great hideout that is surrounded by zombies and an innovative way to get away – if they can actually get away. Humor and horror equal a great mix.
- Night of the Living Dead (1968): The first of the modern zombie genre from George A. Romero. The zombies were not called zombies in this film but ghouls. A ghoul is a human creature that eats disgusting things such as, well, other humans. Scary as all get out and the black and white adds to the terror. A classic that still holds up.
- Night of the Living Dead (1990): Some weird thing happened with the original “Night of the Living Dead.” Romero lost the rights to it and the film became public domain. So Romero decided to redo the film, in color, and succeeded in making another great zombie movie. It is faithful to the original and almost as good. Who said you can never go home again?
- Dawn of the Dead (1978): George A. Romero. First movie that made me almost throw up in the theater. The scene where a man sees his sister? God was that disgusting. Tense, tightly written, well performed and a totally gross-out sequel to the original movie. The use of a shopping mall as the main location was a brilliant idea. Enjoy (and get a barf bag just in case).
- 28 Days Later (2002): The creatures in this film are filled with “rage,” which is a new virus that kills the victim and then reanimates him in a really pissed off mood. To make matters worse, the virus was made by man as a weapon and, as always, we screw up and it gets released. Don’t these stupid scientists learn from all the movies where their creations wind up killing the rest of us? Geez!) These zombies are fast moving but it seems appropriate for this movie since they are zombies filled with rage and not just hunger.
- 28 Weeks Later (2007): Might be better than the first movie. Hard to tell. This is a terrific story of where the world winds up a half year after the “rage” virus has devastated the land. The army is in control and as you know, in movies, they screw up just as bad as the scientists who invent the damn weapon.
- World War Z (2013): I didn’t think I’d like this but I was totally wrong. Brad Pitt stars in a movie with a heavyweight script and enough suspense to keep you guessing. Can mankind overcome a worldwide and devastating zombie apocalypse?
- Diary of the Dead (2008): George A. Romero. I don’t usually like the hand-held character-is-making-the-movie type of movie but this one works. A group of college kids, who are (thankfully) portrayed not as the typical idiot kids of the typical teenage movies, must flee an invasion of the zombies. Taut and suspenseful.
- Land of the Dead (2005): George A. Romero. The zombies have won and one city remains unplagued. It is surrounded on three sides by rivers which the zombies don’t seem able to cross and the fourth side is walled and guarded. The zombies seem to be incapable of breaching this Troy. But you know what happened to the original Troy, right? While the citizens of this city try to duplicate the lives they lived before the zombie apocalypse, the devastation comes.
Honorable Mention (not in any order): “Zombieland” (2009): Fast zombies again but still an adventurous movie of some individuals trying to make a go of it in a world gone mad. “Fido” (2006) my zombie, my pet; “Flight of the Living Dead” (2007) even first class can’t save you; “I Am Legend” (2007), the book was about vampires but I am not sure what the heck these things are; and “Juan of the Dead” (2010) – Spanish with subtitles – a real hoot!
Forget About: The “Resident Evil” franchise. Waste of time. “Warm Bodies” an awful movie. All the other George A. Romero films, no spark to them. Sadly, most zombie movies do stink but the above should satisfy your craving for the flesh-eating horrors. New zombie movies might make this list when I watch them after they come out on Blu-Ray.
Slot Machines Are Like a Box of Chocolates
Hijacking Mrs. Gump’s line (“Life is like a box of chocolates.”) from the movie Forrest Gump, I now apply it to the casinos’ favorite revenue stream, the slot machines. Nowhere in the casino kingdom is spectacular diversity as apparent as in the slot machine aisles and in the slot machine choices players have the opportunity to make. Like a box of assorted chocolates, there are machines for every love, lust, desire, hunger, dream, passing fancy or momentary whim of the slot player.
The slot manufacturers’ credo comes from another movie, Field of Dreams – “If you build it, he will come.” So these slot bosses have built an Everest of slot machines and, yes, he and she and you and me and everyone else seemingly has come. Those machines are the all-American game.
Many slot players are looking for the magical road to life-altering riches and the casino slot machines have plenty of choices if that’s what a player wants. From five-cent attempts at jackpots of tens of thousands of dollars to dollar-denomination attempts at millions if not tens of millions of dollars, if a player wants to dream and fantasize about what life would be like if he or she had the means to tell the overbearing boss to “jump in the lake” those machines will fuel such a dream. Ah, the joy of it all; fantasizing can be fun.
If outlandish dreaming is what you want, then those multi-casino progressives are the machines for you. So what if the house edges are in the double digits and the odds of hitting one of the life-altering jackpots can be around 50 million to one – someone has to win those monster payouts, so why couldn’t it be you?
If you are the type of slot player who likes to stay current with the popular culture of television and movies, or with stars of film, serials or comics, then there are dozens of machines that will cater to you. You have Elvis and Star Wars and Clint Eastwood and Betty Boop and Rambo and Wheel of Fortune, along with such superstars as Hellboy and Frank Scoblete (just kidding). Simply walk around the slot floors and you feel as if you are on a Hollywood set or in your favorite television show’s studio. Or it can be just you and your favorite star sharing an intimate gaming session together. There’s even a machine called “Scrooge” but why anyone would ever think one of these could be loose is beyond me.
Are you a man or woman who tenaciously holds on to traditional things with a death-like iron grip? Do you eschew the new-fangled machines with all their hype and pomp and celebrity worship and prefer a remnant of the past in your play? Well there are still plenty of those traditional-style machines all over every casino – Red, White and Blue; Sizzling Sevens; Wild Cherry; Double Diamond and many more.
Now what if you are a player who wants to boldly go into the slot machine universe where only the bravest of the brave have gone before? Then there is now a multi-verse of multi-line machines that can take 10, 20, 50 or more coins (credits) on penny, nickel, quarter and higher denomination machines. These machines can be so confusing that some players have no idea of how or why they have won (or lost) as the hit frequencies of the machines can be outrageously high for putting in mega-multiple and even more multiple coins than you have ever played before.
Keep in mind you can hit on every spin of a mega-multi-line machine and still lose your shirt or blouse or whatever it is people lose nowadays. Hit frequencies and winning frequencies are not the same thing. You can hit like mad and lose like crazy. But those almost constant hits on these mega-multi-line machines can mind-meld players the way Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame did in those great movies and shows. The constant hits have a hypnotizing effect. Oh, yes, these machines take you to another world completely.
Some machines have classic symbols, some have wild and wacky video entertainment, some have outrageous sound effects and some, believe it or not, still actually take coins because there are still players who enjoy getting blood poison from the metal coatings rubbing off – well, to each his or her own.
Naturally and as always, there are better and worse machines to play, depending on what you want as your slot playing experience. I tend to advocate the most conservative possible playing style, risking the least amount of money for the best possible chance of coming home tonight with even a small win. Most slot players are not like me. I am the type to say that if slot machines are like a box of chocolates, just give me a wedge of plain dark chocolate and I am content.
If you are the type of person who needs all sorts of bells and whistles, then you might want some large chocolate ovals with nuts and raisins and berries and fudge and creams of every variety and whatever else the manufacturer can cram into it.
You will never find such diversity of experience at blackjack, craps, roulette or any of the other table games. Compared to the slot candies in the machine box, those table games just can’t hold their head high in the diversity department. And maybe that’s why slot machines are the diet of the masses.
[Read Frank Scoblete’s book Slot Conquest: How to Beat the Slot Machines! Available at Amazon.com, kindle, Barnes and Noble, and at bookstores.]
Why Slots Rule the Nation’s Casinos
There are only two states in the Union where there isn’t some form of gambling, those being Utah and Hawaii. The rest of the states have some form of gambling, from state lotteries, to horse racing, to video terminals and, finally, to full-fledged casino gambling with all your favorite games – blackjack, craps, roulette, Three-Card Poker, Let it Ride, Caribbean Stud, among others, and of course the seemingly countless rows of slot and video poker machines.
The country has exploded into the gaming capital of the planet with legal gambling recording mind boggling profits just about everywhere.
But let’s not fool ourselves. If it weren’t for slot machines, there would be no unbelievable rise in casino gambling across this country. Since slot machines account for between 65 percent and 90 percent of casino revenues, we can see quite clearly that if you remove slot machines from the mix there would be, frankly, no mix to speak of.
Unquestionably, slots have propelled the phenomenal growth of casino gambling across the country. Without slots casinos would probably just be in Atlantic City and Las Vegas, venues large enough to be vacation venues.
I can visualize casinos without table games (indeed in New York we have race tracks with slot machines and no table games) but I cannot conceive of casinos without slot machines. I doubt any casino company can either.
So why have slot machines become the dominant force in casino gambling with approximately 81 percent of female casino gamblers playing them and about 66 percent of male casino gamblers playing them too, as the Harrah’s 2005 survey on casino gamblers discovered.
In the past it was thought that slot machines were just for women who had nothing better to do while their male spouses or companions played the elite table games. Slots were for players, male and female, who were too stupid to understand table games. Obviously, unless America has suddenly become a country composed of totally denigrated citizens with low IQ’s, categorizing slot players into the intellectual realm of vegetables no longer holds water. Casinos know this, although many gambling writers still don’t seem to get it.
Some of the smartest people in the casinos play the slot machines. Walk up and down the slot aisles and it is not the season of the dope, although it is the season of the hope.
Maybe that is why slot play, along with the dramatic increase in lottery play, has become so widespread. Table games only give you a moderate degree of hope – after all the best you can do at the traditional table games such as blackjack is a $3 to $2 payout for a natural; at craps, a $30 to $1 payout on a 2 or 12 and at roulette a $35 to $1 payout on a straight-up hit. These are nice hits but they are not super-sized ones. To win a fortune at any table game just isn’t in the cards, dice or wheel for a $5, $10, $25, $50 or $100 player.
Slot machines and their distant cousin the lottery give you the chance to win big for what seems a rather small initial investment. You can play three dollars and maybe win millions on those big progressives – just like that! On stand-alone machines that are not progressives, you can still win thousands to one when the top jackpot hits. A small layout = a big payout; that’s the mindset, and it is the mindset across the country.
The fact that slot players actually lose more money per dollar wagered is irrelevant to them. The fact that slot machines have the biggest house edges also doesn’t matter either. Slot players, at least most of them, know all this and choose to ignore it. The big hit, which is always possible on the next decision or the one after that, conjures life-changing dreams and these dreams along make the machines worth playing.
Pictures of giant jackpot winners festoon gaming magazines such as this one and why not? Those big wins are energizing to the slot player. That’s why they play after all. I once went to the bathroom in Atlantic City at the Trop World (now Tropicana) and there were pictures over the urinals of happy, winning slot players holding gigantic checks worth hundreds of thousands and millions of dollars.
No one has life-changing blackjack dreams. In the traditional table games, any win is a good win. In slots, only BIG wins are good wins and while any win is welcomed, they aren’t insulin producing events for the slot player as such wins would be for table-game players.
If you visit casinos across the nation as I do, talking to slot players these truths are well known. Slot players are playing for something other than a win tonight. They are playing for the win of a lifetime.
[Read Slot Conquest: How to Beat the Slot Machines. Available from Amazon.com, kindle, Barnes and Noble, and at bookstores.]
The Slot Machine Martingale
His eyes were feverish; his hands trembling. “Oh, my lord!” he thought excitedly. “I have found a sure fire way to win at gambling. It is so simple; I am amazed no one ever thought of this before! I am brilliant!”
He turned to his wife, “Honey, we are going to own the world! This betting system will always win; it has to always win. It can’t lose.” He was ecstatic; that is, he was ecstatic until the system crashed and burned and took away everything he had previously won using it. He was crestfallen.
That “he” was me 27 years ago and that “can’t lose” system I invented was called a Martingale – a system also invented by countless thousands of gamblers for centuries and played extensively at roulette by the aristocracy of Europe in the 18th century – before those aristocrats became peasants because they used it and lost their fortunes.
I think just about every casino gambler, especially at the start of his or her career, will discover the Martingale and think, “I can’t lose with this – it has to win! Honey, let’s buy a gargantuan safe.”
The simple Martingale is a double your bet after you lose system. I bet one dollar; I lose one dollar, I now bet two dollars. If I win the second bet, I have made up for the loss of that one dollar and made one dollar in profit. If I lose that second bet, well then my next bet is four dollars. If I win that, I get back the three dollars I lost plus one dollar in profit. And up it goes until I inevitably win.
Yes, it does sound like an unbeatable system but two things prevent it from being successful in the real world of wagering. If there is no cap on your betting, you need an infinite amount of money to keep going “up, up and away!” when you hit a prolonged losing streak. And all gamblers, using all betting systems, will run into long losing streaks. If you don’t have the cash you are doomed, as I was, to crash.
In casinos, the house betting limits stop the players from going to extraordinary levels of betting using the Martingale. Usually seven to nine increases in one’s bet hits the highest limit and nothing higher can be wagered. That’s what did me in. I lost seven spins at roulette in a row, couldn’t bet enough on the next spin to get it all back, and I went down to peasantdom like those 18th century aristocrats.
But what about using the Martingale on slot machines? Could the slots, with their amazing variety of denominations and potential number of coins played, be the first and only successful use of the Martingale betting system?
Let’s take a look at how one could go about structuring a Martingale at slot play.
Go to quarter machines and play one coin. Say the jackpot line is $600. Once you have lost more than $600, you will have to now start putting in two coins. If that jackpot is $900, then you have a $300 loss limit before you have to go to three coins. If the jackpot is $1,200, as soon as you have lost another $300 playing three coins you can no longer get an overall win on that quarter machine.
Yes, you will have some bigger and smaller non-jackpot hits, so really playing as described in the above paragraph is simplistic but it makes a valid point. You will sooner or later have to jump up the bets to stay in the game. With slots, you might not lose that $600 or $900 or $1,200 for quite a while or you might lose it in a few dozen blinks of the eye. That is all a matter of luck and math.
Once you have lost all on the quarter machines, you must now go up to the 50 cents machines; then the dollar machines; the five dollar machines and higher. Remember, playing the Martingale means you must win back all the money you lost to show a profit. Yes, the profit will be small – perhaps just a dollar – and the risk will be greater and greater as you go up in denomination, but that is the Martingale at work.
I am guessing that with careful pen and paper work, you can make a chart of how much money you would need to take the slot machine Martingale through the roof. I am also thinking that the amount would be staggering.
The bromide, “Well, I have to win sooner or later,” while sounding good, really has no meaning. You actually don’t have to win sooner or later. You can wipe out your bankroll, indeed, you can wipe out every penny you have, if you keep going higher and higher in a Martingale and lose until you have nothing left to bet anymore.
Certainly, it would be a rare occasion to go through the roof on a slot machine Martingale system but the more you play, the better the chance that probability will catch you in its claws and send you through the roof and send your money down the toilet.
In such a dire situation – one that I experienced – you are risking everything for a little return. Is such a gamble worth it? True, you will have many wins along the Martingale trail but as you proceed down that road, a big, hungry monster is lurking in the woods, getting ready to pounce and eat you all up.
It is best to avoid the Martingale. It is an unbeatable system…until it loses.
[My book Slot Conquest: How to Beat the Slot Machines is available from Amazon.com, kindle, Barnes and Noble, and at bookstores. Yes, this book has beatable machines – if you can find them!]
Hollywood: The Home of Hypocrites
The Hollywood “elite” love to lecture us about morality and causes: “Wall Street is evil! Big corporations must not be given tax breaks! Mega-multi-millionaires and billionaires should be taxed more! Republicans are the party of the rich! Conservatives are stupid! Our new President is a greedy monster!”
They portray themselves as the voice of the “people”; the little people, meaning most of the rest of us.
Seriously, such silliness.
I have a friend who does voice overs and would also make a great television or radio spokesperson for some product. He’s had a heck of a time getting jobs.
Does he muffle his words? Is he ugly and ungainly? Not at all. He’s a good looking, true professional but those big jobs keep eluding him. What is the reason? He’s damn good…but he isn’t:
Jon Hamm; or Donald Sutherland, or Kiefer Sutherland, or Jim Parsons, or Kaley Cuoco, or Brad Pitt, or Matt Damon, or Samuel L. Jackson or Jennifer Aniston, or Angelina Jolie, or Catherine Zita Jones, or James Earl Jones, or Sofia Vergara, or Julie Bowen, or Ty Burrel, or Jesse Tyler Ferguson, or Morgan Freeman, or George Clooney, or Danny DeVito, or Oprah Winfrey, or Robert De Niro, or Al Pacino, or Daniel Craig, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Sylvester Stallone, or Kevin Bacon, or Ben Affleck, or Steve Carell, or Mila Kunis, or Leonardo DiCaprio, or Tina Fey, or so many, many more Hollywood stars that would complete this huge list.
Some of the stars on the above list make 10 million or more a movie or a million dollars or more per episode of their television shows. They are multi-millionaires being paid a pretty penny to do commercials.
Without needing the money, they are taking jobs from actors who need every penny they can scrounge. For each Hollywood star doing commercials, there is one fewer unknown not getting his or her break.
Why are such stars so greedy when they are rolling in dough? When they are living in mansions that could house dozens of homeless people or refugees?
Shouldn’t Hollywood stars be concerned about their fellow performers?
Seriously, at every awards show (and Hollywood gives itself so many awards that the statue industry is eternally flushed with cash) multiple stars give pompous speeches about politics, politicians or this or that social cause. Couldn’t some of them at least champion fledging and out-of-work actors?
But, no.
Come on, Hollywood stars, how about a helping hand? How about you don’t take the commercials to add to your immense fortunes, but instead make sure the unknowns, the struggling, or out-of-work get a chance to actually work? Wouldn’t that be a great social cause? A moral statement, far more effective than blathering about Wall Street, giant corporations, conservatives and the rich!
I am not asking for the government to step in and force these super wealthy to be charitable; I am asking Hollywood stars to give up these side jobs so other talented hopefuls can work.
Why don’t the stars do what they tell others to do – give up a little to help many?
[Read Confessions of a Wayward Catholic. Available on amazon.com, kindle, Barnes and Noble, and at bookstores.]
The All You Can’t Eat Buffet
I was in one of the produce aisles at Best Yet in Franklin Square, lazily waiting for my wife, the Beautiful AP, to select which delicious fruits and vegetables she would force me to eat.
The man was several feet away and chewing madly. He picked several grapes from a grape bag and shoved them into his mouth. He had little finesse as the grape juice went down his chin and dripped back into the grapes’ bins. Some unsuspecting shopper would buy grapes sprinkled with his spit.
Then he moved to the next batch of fruit, and the next. If he could ram it into his mouth he’d eat it. He even pushed small tomatoes in there.
I’d guess the guy was about 75 years old, neatly dressed. He did buy some items—a cantaloupe, a few avocadoes, a half watermelon. I guess these were not easy to gobble down in a single swallow. He did eat the heads off a couple of small bunches of broccoli.
This was a truly annoying man (let me say it straight—this was a disgusting, drooling man) who joined my supermarket buffet list; you know, those characters who think they can nibble this or that in the produce aisle because they might buy something.
There was the harried woman with the little brat riding in the cart (“Ma! Ma! Ma! I want that!”). She actually gave this whiny kid “free” produce. There was the fat man who ate delicately for about five minutes as if he were at a gourmet restaurant. He even tried an apple! He bought nothing.
How about this one? A woman ate a small slice of peach and – this is horrifying – put the uneaten part it back in the pile! Or the fine diner who carried around a small plate with her as she sampled the “buffet”!
Maybe these and others like them think they can do this because none of the store’s employees stop them.
Many of these gourmands are older and they brazenly swallow their prey with pride and defiance. They know no one would tackle a person using a walker.
As I watch these thieves fill their stomachs, I could lose the contents of mine.
[My new book Confessions of a Wayward Catholic is available at amazon.com, kindle, Barnes and Noble, and at bookstores.]
Meet the Mrs.
My wife, the Beautiful AP, has taken up photography, specifically photographing birds.
Our birding group was at Mill Pond in Bellmore, New York this past Sunday and AP had a big breakthrough that brought attention and applause from our South Shore Audubon Society.
Now the Beautiful AP is a sociable person and as she has been learning her camera she has shared her ups and downs with everyone in the group and with some people who are just wandering around in the woods. They have given her encouragement as many Audubon members are excellent photographers. She has received valuable tips – from everyone, even those scruffy folks who might be homeless. To be honest, by and large her photos have been (shall we say) disappointing.
A couple of weeks ago, she got one great picture of a Great Horned Owl and one good shot of a Red-Bellied Woodpecker. Everything else was a blur.
I am not quite as sociable as my lovely wife but I do talk to my fellow birders about this, that or the other thing. Since I know little about birds we talk about politics. The Audubon Society is mostly liberal although there are some conservatives and Trump supporters. The liberals are concerned about the environment, while the conservatives are concerned about the liberals.
As AP photographed like a crazy woman, she’d show me some of them.
“What do you think of these?” she asked.
“Where is the bird?”
She hit me in the arm. “Right there,” she pointed.
“I just see fog with some dark lump in there,” I said. She hit me in the arm again. Honesty is sometimes not the best policy with a wife.
But towards the end of the birding day she nailed it! She had a picture of a beautiful Robin and two gorgeous pictures of a duck.
“Wow!” I said. “Now those are beautiful pictures. What kind of duck is that?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “It looks different doesn’t it? I’m going to ask the experts if they can identify it.”
She walked a ways down the path to the others of our group. I love the way she walks, so determined, so AP-like.
In a moment I heard, “Wow!” and “It’s a Pintail! Where did you see it?”
The Beautiful AP lead the group of about 15 to where she photographed the Pintail.
“That’s a female Pintail,” confirmed Bill our leader for this tour as he looked at the photo.
“She’ll be known as Mrs. Pintail,” said AP.
Bill saw Mrs. Pintail, pointed her out so everyone could see it. Cameras clicked, video was taken as Bill then explained why it is called Pintail. “You can see that its tail comes to a pin.” It also has quite a long neck.
Since it was February, this duck should have migrated south to winter. But here she was. Rather, here they were: Mrs. Pintail and my Mrs.
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