Blog

Cuba: The Triumph of the Revolution

CUBA: THE TRIUMPH OF THE REVOLUTION

[This article has gone through many revisions. My wife the Beautiful AP was of the opinion that it was mean and that I sounded much like Archie Bunker in it. I have fixed a few things but I just can’t run from what I saw and thought about Cuba and though my reaction is quite visceral, well, that is my reaction. So here it is. Comments are always welcomed.]

It was the “Triumph of the Revolution” as our Cuban state guides would tell us; as the signs would read in one way or the other on building walls and facades and under overpasses; the Triumph of the Revolution lead by Fidel Castro, Raul Castro and Che Guevara that destroyed the grip of evil capitalism on this beautiful, Eden-like island.

Young girls with flowers in their deep, dark, well-tended hair wearing new school uniforms romped and jumped rope in the friendly parks within view of their attentive joyous mothers and those solid, happy working men sitting on the benches during their lunch breaks. Young boys in their spanking-new uniforms played catch in those parks waiting for their fantasies of becoming major league baseball players as baseball is the “national pastime of Cuba” as our guides told us.

The magnificent historic buildings in Havana and other cities were all perfectly restored; delights to the eye and to those who know the amazing range of architecture that had been built in Cuba for almost 300 years prior to the Triumph of the Revolution. Huge monuments, stunning buildings, all beautiful paeans to the communist revolution’s desire to make Cuba a paradise that freed an enslaved people from capitalism to enjoy the full fruits of their labor and their history.

“Everybody is equal in Cuba,” our state guides informed us.

The streets teamed with well-dressed people content with everything they needed to enjoy life. Their houses were clean and safe and open and aerie. Crime was non-existent.

The air itself was crisp, engagingly warm and enchantingly wonderful; the island was truly a Triumph of the Revolution.

The Triumph of the…

The Triumph of…

The Triumph…

The…

Horror!

What We Really Experienced

Today’s Cuba is a torturously humid post-Edenic world; no other way to say it. The parks are not filled with flowered-haired little girls in their school uniforms jumping rope or energetic little boys in their school uniforms eyeing future major league contracts.

Instead, the parks are packed with lazy-eyed men who cannot find jobs and basically must laze the days away, and some poor women too, most looking down and out and (if not) homeless (then close to it); a hapless mob of the tired and the belabored, with also those shark-eyed legions of “beggars” and, if the protective-bars on the overwhelming majority of crumbling homes in the three cities the Beautiful AP and I visited (Havana, Cienfuegos and Santiago de Cuba) are any indication, Cuba has a serious crime problem.

“Everyone in Cuba works,” said our young (state) guide.

That was clearly not so. The older men (not elderly men; there weren’t too many of those) often schlogged along the streets tired of spending a lifetime schlogging along the streets; the younger men walked with purpose to find a place to sit out of the sun. Every hour of the day, countless thousands of people were outside, doing little or nothing because the communist state had nothing for them to do.

Even in the business districts — mostly what we in America consider second-hand stores — people simply ambled away the days of their lives mostly looking for shade from the repressive heat and humidity; shade where they could sit and spend huge chunks of the day. (The humidity in Cuba is unbearable. Breathe in deeply enough and you might drown from it.)

Many who did work had “sit-down” jobs where they sat down all day. The customs houses in Cienfuegos and Santiago de Cuba were more like two trailers end-to-end with probably 15 people lazing in chairs and one or two actually working.

You Gotta Tip Baby

We were told that we must tip for any services rendered – and that meant any and all. For example at the Castillo de San Pedro de la Roca in Santiago de Cuba (a huge fortress overlooking the bay), the Beautiful AP got into a conversation with two women who were hiding so they didn’t have to work. They asked AP for a tip because they spoke Spanish with her (they couldn’t speak English) and she, being kind, gave them such a tip. She should have tipped them that if they were being paid to work they should work and not hide.

We tipped just about everyone who did any kind of service for us. (“Hi, my name is Jim.” “Hi Jim; here’s a tip for you because your name is Jim!”) We tipped one Russian professor of note who took us around a “special needs” school in Havana where we danced to music by their counselors. He made it a point that they received no money from the state – he was proud of that! We gave his “special needs” school a huge tip.

We tipped a man who made cigars even though he didn’t make one for us. We tipped a man who made hand drawings of us even though we didn’t want one made. When in doubt we tipped; the workers we would tip in the United States and the workers we wouldn’t think of tipping such as two women who spoke Spanish in a Spanish-speaking country!

Wherever we went we saw men lazing away at the entrances to shops, churches, schools, cafes. People were shabbily dressed. Communist Cuba had very few job prospects and little new industry.

We did see buses loaded with people (somewhat ancient buses) going to work but you could see that whatever jobs they had were not paying enough for them to look the least spiffy.

Our guides constantly ushered us to vendors on the street to buy books, trinkets, clothes (those infernal Che Guevara t-shirts) and paintings (some of which were quite good — usually of Che Guevara).

Of course we tipped our guides (there were several of them each day) and our bus drivers.

Those Great Old Cars

The famed capital of Cuba, Havana, did have those old-time cars. It was like going back to the 1950s except that those cars often rode on rotted roads and many were in somewhat poor condition.

Our guide said: “The cars are often owned by the state. These are kept in good condition. If you work for the state, you do not pay taxes and medical care is free. There are also ration booklets to obtain basic nutrition. Working for the state you do not make as much money as private owners of stores or businesses but those people have to pay taxes. I will never be able to buy a house or a car but I have a good job and I do not have to pay taxes and I get free medical care. People who own private businesses must pay taxes.”

Cigars, Rum and Musical Theatre

Other than the standard cigars, rum and sugar, Cuba is not an innovative country that builds enterprises – those cigars, rum and sugar go a long way back, way before the Triumph of the Revolution. Foreign money has built whatever new buildings and businesses exist in Cuba. There is a “luxury” hotel being built in Havana by the French across the street from Central Park – a hotel surrounded by deteriorating decrepit buildings that had once been monumentally beautiful.

This hotel is near the famed Gran Teatro de La Habana, the interior of which is swathed in marble but has had the floors in the theatre redone so that now they are uneven and eminently “trip-able” especially for the older members of our group. If you don’t look down as you try to get into the rows in this non-air-conditioned humid hot-house you might just go down (plunk!). Couldn’t the workers have made the floors level?

The Cuban ships in the harbor are rusted.

The Beggars

We were told by the Fathom Adonia’s mailings that we were not to give money to the beggars that would “occasionally” try to hit us up. These were aggressive beggars too; much like those squeegee men from New York City’s rotten days of the Dinkin’s era.

At the Catedral de San Cristóbal in Havana there was an old, withered woman with her hand out begging; I was so sad to see her ravaged face; she was looking for some money for sustenance, poor thing.

Now, the average wage of Cubans ranges between 10 to 15 CUCs a month. A CUC is worth an American dollar, so the average Cuban wage is $10 to $15 per month.

But this poor, withered, leathery woman with her hand out! My God how could someone not give this poor creature some money to satisfy her gnawing hunger and deep thirst? My soul went out to her.

I took three CUCs and gave them to her. Her face beamed as it immediately lost its leathery look; she straightened up and then she leaped off the Cathedral’s steps, giving me a “thumbs up” when she landed, and then she ran down the street. What the hell? I have a feeling this “old” woman drank plenty of rum that night to satisfy her deep thirst! She might even have smoked some cigars. We did see equal numbers of men and women smoking them.

So much for giving to Cuba’s militia of beggars. Is it possible that begging counted as work in Cuba so that is why there is no unemployment in this regime?

And the beggars were everywhere. In Santiago de Cuba a group of them came towards our party and that group did not look friendly. Luckily the four cops that patrolled that small park area came at the beggars who dispersed. The cops worked in teams; it was safer that way.

Bathroom Breaks

Let’s talk about bathrooms – a delicate subject but one that has to be (ahem) handled. You had to bring your own toilet paper with you when touring because many bathrooms did not supply such. At the huge Teatro Tomás Terry theatre in Cienfuegos, the Beautiful AP went to the ladies room. The attendant (all bathrooms have attendants that you should tip because they attend the bathroom) opened the door; AP entered, finished but when she flushed no water came out.

The attendant came in, carrying a bucket, and dumped water in the toilet. When AP tried to wash her hands, no water came out of the faucet. The attendant came over with a cup of water and poured the water over AP’s hands. AP tipped the attendant.

The auditorium was not air-conditioned (only one place we went to had air-conditioning, a privately owned restaurant in Havana) and we only saw a couple more air conditioners in our travels.

The choral singers of that place were quite good (though they sweated like crazy during their performance). The women wore what looked like second-hand brides’ maids’ dresses.

Jesus Christ and Che Guevara

On the first line on our first day to get on the cruise ship Fathom Adonia, we met a family of missionaries. They had just come back from some African country and they were really excited to see Cuba. The talk meandered all over the place from all the places they had visited and then we boarded the ship.

On the ship as we went over how to save our lives should it sink or hit an iceberg in the warm tropical waters off Cuba (this meeting was called something like the Muster Meeting), we learned how to use the life jackets and where to walk – not run – without panicking. I hate to tell the crew; I would panic.

On the ship we met a number of missionaries – husbands and wives and even some of their kids (adult kids). Some of these missionaries were nice people who did not push their religion on you too fiercely and some were your usual religious fanatics who understand everything about “God’s creation” and tried to shove it down your (and everyone else’s) throat.

In the Central Park of Havana, four of them were teaching me a holy lesson about how to save my miserable sinning soul. “All you have to do is accept Jesus truly in your heart and you will be saved. But if you don’t, at the ‘end times’ you will wind up in the burning fires of Hell.” That certainly made my day.

Then the missionary wife of her missionary husband said the only thing AP and I heard her utter all trip. “You…must…bring…Jesus…into…your…heart.”

This particular woman was weird, even weirder than the usual missionary weird. AP nicknamed her the “Stepford Wife.” The woman (maybe age 30) never had an expression on her extremely pretty face. She was a blank. She showed no emotion. In the brutally hot and humid weather she didn’t sweat (the rest of us were pouring gallons). Maybe she was one of those androids of the movies who seem somewhat normal but then go on a killing rampage.

Cuba is a largely a Catholic country while Santiago de Cuba tends to be Santerían as it seems Fidel’s legions did not try to stamp out religion as the communists did in Russia and China. I am guessing that these (what I took for) evangelical missionaries would not have much success if they were surveying Cuba for a conversion by divine invasion. The natives might not be interested.

But sans God, Cuba did have a secular pantheon. Using Catholic theological norms, if Fidel were Yahweh (who is God the Father), then Che Guevara was the Son of God, while communism was the Holy Spirit.

If the number of books, magazine covers, paintings, and photos that are sold at the great outdoor book markets and in stores were any indication, Che Guevara is their Jesus Christ. Walls are painted with his face; signs announce his greatness and even buildings have huge murals of him.

President Obama gave his “It’s great to be in Cuba” speech in front of a Che Guevara building. This was in a huge park devoted to the revolution. I would estimate that Che beats Castro by 15 to one in likenesses on any place that likenesses can be put. That’s amazing considering he died in 1967 at the age of 39 – killed by US-backed forces in Bolivia.

Che was a writer, a poet, a philosopher and thinker. Che was Castro’s second in command and was responsible for making sure their firing squads performed up to par. They evidently did. Che Guevara’s t-shirts sell like mad on college campuses and many leftist adults adorn themselves with them. (Hey, I read Free Inquiry magazine; I should know!)

Che’s facial image looms over neighborhoods that are so deteriorated that no one could possibly live in such surroundings (except they do). The Beautiful AP would say, “I thought those houses were abandoned, but look! They have laundry hanging out of the windows. People are living there!”

Is Cuba really that poor? From what I saw, yes.

Eating, Drinking, Music and Dancing

Cuban food is excellent although the Beautiful AP thought it was “heavy” as in too much meat and sauces for such a hot and humid climate. I liked it. We ate in three restaurants. The two privately-owned ones (in Havana and in Santiago de Cuba) were excellent (and the former was air-conditioned!) but the latter was hot and humid even though it was on the roof.

The state-owned one was what you would figure a state-owned restaurant would be like. There was no water served and there was a mangy cat roaming under the tables looking for scraps. Pieces of plastic blew across the floor. The napkins were as small (actually smaller) than cocktail napkins. We were given one free drink at this place but water counted as that drink!

Across the street from this restaurant a man slept soundly on an abutment. He was the valet parker! (I kid you not; dead asleep – or maybe he was just dead.)

I love the Cuban music and their singers and dancers. The music is energetic and driving – something strange in a hot and humid country where the weather can make you logy. We gave big tips to the musicians.

I also enjoyed the dancing and I even got to dance with a beautiful professional dancer at a cafe. Although she didn’t speak English she was able to count the steps for me so I didn’t make a complete fool of myself (I made an incomplete fool but, hell, I like getting up on stage). When we finished there was thunderous applause – mostly for her having to dance with a lumbering foreigner.

We gave her a big tip. We gave everyone in the café a big tip.

The Internet Arrives!

In Havana as our bus went down one of the streets I saw a large crowd, maybe a couple of hundred people, all holding cell phones or Ipads. Our guide explained that WiFi was available on some streets and the Cubans who had the technology could tap into it.

This may wind up being the door opener for Cubans to enter the 21st century.

What We Didn’t See

The British and other Europeans do vacation in Cuba but we did not see any resorts or beaches as our trip was strictly an educational one. Americans are not yet able to just go and let it all hang out. Perhaps that is soon coming and maybe boatloads of U.S. dollars will supercharge the Cuban economy so that the wasteland I saw will change and become a beautiful country. The Internet might well be the trigger.

As stated, I did not see anything other than the three cities that the government of Cuba allowed us to see. Most of the Cuban people were friendly and many celebrated the arrival of American tourists.

I am sure there are some beautiful areas of Cuba and that Europeans romp happily in them singing songs about the Triumph of the Revolution.

Or not.

Slavery, England & the Noble Savage

Slavery is a somewhat delicate topic if someone wants to tell the truth about it. The United States would not have been the “united” states had the non-slave states stood up and said to the slave-owning states, “Buzz off; all men are created equal so we will not have any slave states in our new country.”

Inevitably the slave-states would have walked out (as they ultimately did in January 1861); the colonies would have remained the colonies of England and that would be that. Slavery ended in England around 1834-38 (without a Civil War – just think of the song “Amazing Grace” written by one of the leaders of the anti-slave movement ) and the British Empire went about its empire-ish ways right up until that skinny Gandhi sat on the railroad tracks (so to speak) to demand human rights or get hit by a train.

The “united” states (that were not to be) would become (a kind of) Canada today but there would not have been a bloody Civil War (I’m guessing here).

So you, my Facebook friend, are at the Continental Congress and the Southern colonies are saying, “We keep slavery or we walk,” what would you do?

England is a great country (in my opinion). Still, it did build an empire through war and intimidation. Would you stay as an English colony way back when in order to not have slavery in your new country? Or would you bite the bullet and go for it knowing that slavery was a great evil?

In the United States the religious excuse for slavery was that the Negro was black because he was the offspring of Ham, one of the sons of Noah who removed Noah’s blanket exposing his father’s nakedness. (Actually the better version of the story has Ham cutting off Noah’s dick after Noah got sotted one night.)

Since Ham was dark-skinned and God’s punishment was for Ham’s offspring to be the slaves of his brothers — well, you get the picture. Black people were born to be slaves. This is, of course, total bullshit but those good old religious folks needed some religious excuse for keeping slaves. (Many of you might not know this but there were some white slaves too — evidently not enough to matter.)

THE NON-NOBLE SAVAGE

Today we have movements that try to mush white people’s faces in the fact that blacks were slaves in our country; as if to say that this is the only time and place where slavery existed or to make the existence of slavery elsewhere not as rife. (One of the biggest slave owners in America was a black man.)

Historically slavery was everywhere in every time of which we know; in every tribe and civilization.

I find it funny (actually snickeringly funny) that so many of my Facebook friends will put up pictures of the American Indian (often calling such people Native Americans as if those of us born in the Americas are not “native” to it) saying something to the effect that “it was their country and the Europeans and Americans” took such a country away from them, never noting that tribes often took other tribes’ land from them as well.

These postings often refer to the whites as immigrants to the Americas as if the American Indian was always here and did not themselves migrate to the Americas.

The American Indian is often portrayed as the “noble savage,” a phrase incorrectly attributed to Jean-Jacques Rousseau. This noble savage could be found wherever savages existed (savages being those primitive tribes). These tribes were innocent and pure and lived much like Adam and Eve in a garden of earthly delights. Certainly this is a total B.M.

Even a superficial reading of research books shows the American Indians to be no more peaceful or noble than any other tribes anywhere else in the world. Brutal wars were fought among amongst them and genocide, rape and slavery were not unheard of or unpracticed or rare. These things were par for the course.

(An interesting aside here: Those tribes that gave out identity based on being born to a mother of that tribe as opposed to the father did so because they were constantly being invaded and enslaved, with their men killed and the women raped. To continue their culture, the woman had to be the port of ethnic call for them regardless of who the father happened to be.)

Go to the tribes of Africa who enslaved their enemy tribesmen and raped and pillaged and also sold their hated enemies into slavery to the Europeans and Asians countries. Go to Asia and…you are beginning to get the picture, yes? — I don’t want to list every place on Earth.

Take a time-travel trip to ancient Greece and Rome. Everyone knows that the Romans had slaves aplenty. But so did Greece. Beloved Athens, the lauded “golden civilization” of true democratic ideals, was composed of 10 percent citizens and 90 percent slaves. Ouch!

Certainly slavery is an abomination and we are well rid of it. Slavery (from the word “Slav”) is still practiced in a couple of countries but it has seen the last of its days. Good riddance.

Should those whose ancestors were enslaved be given reparations for such enslavement? No. You can’t move forward if you are constantly looking backwards. The slaves of the United States had ancestors who enslaved others; the slave owners of the United States probably had relations who had been enslaved sometime in the distant past as well.

The horrors of mankind can be found in every nook and cranny of human experience.

 

Teacher Hiring

I am not sure if Lawrence High School still does it this way but here is what I had to do.

There were hundreds of applications during that time period (1971) and the Department Chairmen Greg Monahan (a great teacher by the way) selected about 10 applicants to come in to be interviewed by him and the Principal Edwin Krawitz.

I lucked out because I attended the same high school and Monahan taught there before I went there. He saw that and decided to interview me. More as a lark I think because I had been fired from my first teaching job and I never hid that. (I wrote the full story of my epic fight with the principal of that school in The Virgin Kiss.)

So I was interviewed. I evidently did okay and I was told I’d have to teach a lesson to Lenore Israel’s junior honors class (she was a great teacher). The night before my lesson I was called and given a poem to teach, T.S. Eliot’s “The Hollow Men” — a bitch of a poem at first sight.

I read it; thought about it a little and went to bed early to let my “sleeping mind” figure out what the hell the poem meant and why it was structured as it was structured. (I write that way too. Later today I have a 2,000 word article to write for one magazine and a 1,000 worder for another. I’ll sleep on those and when I wake up those articles will be more or less written although right now I have no idea what the heck I will write about.)

So I taught the lesson. Principal Edwin Krawitz, Monahan, Israel and social studies teacher Gabe Uhlar (genius) watched it. The students obviously watched it. When I was done I was told they would be in touch with me one way or the other. Then Krawitz, the teachers and the students discussed my lesson. The students, a very bright group, had a strong impact on the discussion.

Monahan was a little hesitant to hire me. Hell, I had been booted from my first job. Did he really want to handle a firebrand? That’s when Israel and Uhlar told Monahan, a brand new chairman, to take a chance on me. They thought that the firing was actually a good thing and that (and I quote Israel) “we need teachers like him here.” Monahan took the chance; called me and gave me the job.

Thirty-one years of my life I spent teaching at Lawrence High School in Cedarhurst, New York. Yes, I wrote during that time; I acted during that time; I ran a youth center during that time. But I was (and am) “Scobe the teacher.” It defined me.

This section will be the stories from my teaching career and, perhaps, some commentary on today’s teaching profession.

 

 

I am Not Semi-Retired

 

I love my wife the Beautiful AP; I really do, but sometimes she can be a royal pain in those areas that Royals are not allowed to discuss.

“Since you are semi-retired I think you should take up birding,” she said.

“What?”

“Birding; you know go out to the areas where people bring binoculars and watch birds,” she said.

“I know what birding is,” I said. “What’s that other thing?”

“What?”

“Semi-retired? Why did you say I am semi-retired?”

“Because you are semi-retired,” she insisted. (My wife is an “insisterer.”)

“I am not semi-retired,” I said. “I am not semi-retired. I am a writer. In the past 25 years I have published 35 books, some with the largest publishing company in the world. How could you forget that? I’ve written thousands of articles for over 50 newspapers and magazines. I’ve written television shows. I’ve…”

“Scobe,” she insisted. “You don’t have to sell me on what you’ve done in your writing career; it’s just that you have cut back a lot and I mean a lot on your writing time.”

Okay, she has a small point there, a teeny-tiny point. In the past I would spend eight (sometimes up to 10) hours a day at this damn (I mean “darn”) keyboard. In one year I wrote four books – four hefty brilliant books – for a subsidiary of Random House. Try writing four thick, amazingly good books in one year while also writing for…

“I know what you are thinking Scobe,” she said. “You are now going to tell everyone reading this how amazingly prolific you are and how much you have accomplished to show you aren’t semi-retired.”

“What makes you think that?” I whimpered.

“Because I know you,” she insisted. “I can see the wheels turning in your head.”

Okay, okay, I am spending less time writing than I used to in the past. I now spend about four hours a day (sometimes three) writing my columns and other stuff (such as Facebook posts) but I have a good excuse for that…

“I know you are reading a lot more lately,” she said. (I swear she is plucking this stuff out of my damn [darn] head!)

She’s right; she’s right. I am reading more lately. That is true.

From the age of 15 to 35 I read maybe five books a week; I had over 5,000 books in my collection by the time I divorced my first wife. I kid you not. I am a fast reader because once a book grabs me I can’t put it down. (”Is dad still in the bathroom?” “Yes, he’s reading.”)

During that 20-year period, I read mostly science, philosophy, esotericism, theology, classics and a lot of science fiction. In my young years I thought I was on the road to learning “the truth” which is what Pontius Pilate sarcastically asked Jesus, “And what is the truth?” Jesus remained silent. Had he answered the damn (darn) Roman governor’s question I would know “the truth”; instead I have not been spared from my current, total ignorance. (I blame Jesus for all of this!)

So why am I reading more lately? Well from 35 to my current age of 69 (“It’s just a number. It’s just a number.” It’s just a number my ass. I have arthritis for God’s sake!), I spent my time doing theatre, then playing casino games and writing. The more I did those things, the less I read.

“Oh, no,” my wife insisted, reading my mind. “You have cut down your writing but spend as much time watching movies and news programs as you do reading.”

She just stands there plucking this stuff out of my mind. Do any of you husbands out there have wives who can read their minds? It’s very annoying.

“I read a bunch of good magazines, Scientific American, Discover, Skeptic, Skeptical Inquirer, Reason, Free Inquiry and…”

“Come on, Scobe; you are semi-retired,” insisted the Beautiful AP.

“No, I am not. I am retired from teaching for almost 15 years but not from working,” I lament. “I am a writer. A full-time writer.”

“I think you’ll like birding.”

“Oh, for crying out loud,” I cried out loud.

“You also need to get out of the house and socialize more.”

“I have a friend,” I said.

“Who lives in Tennessee and you live in New York,” she said. “Why don’t you call some of the people you taught with and set up breakfast or luncheon dates with them?”

“Most of the teachers I was friends with have died.” That is so true. Most of the ones who inspired me are in their graves. I honor them in my memory.

“You have to be involved with people,” she insisted.

“I give talks. I’ve given talks to fifteen hundred people at one time if you haven’t forgotten,” I defended myself.

“Other than the person who paid you; come on, you didn’t know any of them.”

[“And what is the truth?” Come on Jesus, answer the damn (darn) question.]

“You need…binoculars…to be a birdwatcher,” I stammered.

“I’ve ordered them. I’m getting a pair too and I’ll go with you until we can find you a birding friend.”

[A birding friend? A stinking birding friend! What the hell (heck) is happening to me?]

“You know I get bit all the time by mosquitoes,” I said. “I could get Zika.”

“I’ve bought wipes with DEET on them. You’ll be okay.”

“I don’t want to socialize. I’m not that good in small groups,” I said.

“Lawrence High School has a group that meets every so often. Find out about them.”

“I don’t know any of them,” I said. “They came to the High School during the time I was a hermit.” [The Scobe the Hermit story is for another time.]

“You will write a note to Steve Kussin who is in charge of the group.”

“Oh, for crying out loud.”

“I want you to become a bird watcher. And I want you to sign up for a program at Hofstra University for professionals who are retired…”

“I’m semi-retired,” I said.

Crap (crap). She nailed me.

So enjoy my bird articles!

 

 

 

I’ll Bet You

I’ll Bet You

I’ve written this before (as have many gambling authors) but life has many gambles from marriage to having children to figuring out which movie to see tonight with your honey bunny. Marriage is a coin flip; children are examples of genetic roulette and movies are usually not all that satisfying.

But television commercials have bets too; some of them bizarre; some that make little sense and some that are downright frightening. Here are some of them:

Actor William Devane has a new career. He pitches gold and silver for a company called Rosland Capital that markets such precious metals. His pitch is simple and exact: “Safeguard your wealth with gold and silver from Rosland Capital.”

Oh, yes, Mr. Devane goes into all the reasons gold and silver are great investments and how our crummy monetary system is losing its power and how to protect yourself from what appears to be a coming collapse. His Rosland Capital is not the only company that does this but it is a great example of marketing an idea which is (for all intents and purposes) really weird.

How so? Well, if gold and silver are such great investments why is Rosland Capital selling their gold and silver for the very currency that is about to take a major fall? I mean isn’t their gold and silver worth more than the crummy currency with which we buy these metals? Why would Rosland Capital be so stupid?

Now, I’ll bet you that Rosland Capital has an ace up their sleeve that they are not sharing with us. What do you think of that bet? Is Rosland doing something we should be doing instead of buying their gold and silver?

What about Cialis tablets? The commercials show good looking couples in their 50s (give or take), always in shape and charming, doing something such as swimming or dancing and then the announcer says something to the effect that the husband longs for an erection to, well, you get the idea.

If he is taking Cialis then he is ready to go at “it” with abandon. His wife looks oh so happy too.

The commercial makes a point of not showing a fat, lumbering gargantuan whose erection days are long behind him. Instead it teases you that a man’s erection might last (oh, my lord!) four hours. Go to a hospital emergency room and proudly proclaim to all and sundry, “I’ve had an erection for over four hours now!”

 

The Cialis commercials end with a truly strange image of the husband and wife in separate bathtubs. I’ll bet you that they would have even better sex had they bathed before they became, as Shakespeare wrote in Othello, “the beast with two backs.” I’ll bet bathing afterwards put some kind of damper on their rock and rolling during it.

Cars, those darn cars, racing around roads, through parking lots, up and down mountains and coasts with a good-looking man and often an amazingly beautiful woman egging him on with a picture-perfect smile that is also a sexy come hither.

These commercials have (in really, really small print) the disclaimer that the driver is a professional so that speeding like a maniac on a closed course is perfectly fine for this guy.

Most men (and these commercials are geared towards men) don’t bother reading the small print. Instead they buy the car (also figuring the beautiful woman might find him driving such a car worthy of a perhaps Cialis-fueled night of rumpy pumpy).

So what happens to some of these amateur drivers racing through the days and nights on America’s highways, parkways and streets? They crash and perhaps kill others and themselves in the process. I’ll bet that many nutty drivers have been lured by such commercials to drive with abandon – meaning abandoning their lives and perhaps the lives of others.

Medicine ads are the most frightening. I don’t want any of the diseases that these drugs supposedly cure. Here’s an example of one such generic commercial:

Image: A healthy-looking woman scampers through the high grass, her dress breezing out behind her; her hair flowing in the wonderful waves of wind as she proclaims, “I used to suffer from constant diarrhea and forceful expelling of rancid gases. I couldn’t go out to eat with friends or my beloved husband. But now I take Squeeze It Off and I am a new woman.”

Then the announcer’s calming voice comes on (while we see images of the woman happily dancing like a dervish, playing tennis and jumping up and down playing volleyball): “Do not take Squeeze It Off if you are allergic to the following drugs [huge list of drugs cited], or have been in countries where there are fungal infections or malaria. Can cause diarrhea [yes, the symptom is also the side effect], headaches, back pain, joint pain, depression, suicidal thoughts, drowsiness, hair loss, rashes, coma and death. If you experience any of these symptoms immediately see a doctor.”

The commercial ends with the woman walking down the street hand in hand with her husband as she says, “I am a new woman.” The husband smiles.

I’ll bet many people are as I am with these commercials. They think, “Oh, please don’t ever let me have constant diarrhea and forceful expelling of rancid gases.”

Frank Scoblete’s recent books are I Am a Dice Controller: Inside the World of Advantage-Play Craps, Confessions of a Wayward Catholic and I Am a Card Counter: Inside the World of Advantage-Play Blackjack.  Frank’s books are available on Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, and at bookstores.