Tag: guppy

GUPGATE: Uncovering Sexual Harassment in the Workplace

 

I have a confession to make; a confession about an awful activity I watched that, although done without malice and intent on my part, makes me a part of the sexual harassment and abuse epidemic being revealed at all levels of our society. I am sorry; from my heart I am so truly sorry.

I did not engage in these activities knowingly but innocently. That I swear. I never wanted any of the females hurt. But I did watch it all. That I did, willingly. I did not try to stop the males; I just watched…with fascination.

It happened in my home office where 15 females were subjected to unspeakable sexual crimes against them—I never raised a finger to help. I kept the lid closed on this situation.

You see, I have three male guppies that for some time now have not had a female in their 20-gallon tank; three lonely males, two magnificent colorful fancy males and one plain one without much in the way of colors or fins. He was the low-life in the crowd.

I was concerned that this arrangement of the males was unnatural. I asked Weh Yah, a Middle Eastern acquaintance of mine and fish expert, what I should do. He said, “It is not good for a male to be alone.”

He told me that in order to make them happy each needed about five females. In this way they would not torture any one or two weak ones. His advice was for me to buy 15 females in total so each male had his full fill. He said guppies exist within a strict polyguppoly social structure.

So I bought 15 females and after acclimatizing their water with my tank’s water I released them from their plastic bags. It was a horror show.

The three males went berserk trying to copulate with the females, especially the plain male, who seemed out of his mind with lust. They would rub against the females and chase the shy ones throughout the tank. Most of the females sped in and out of the various decorative structures to avoid the brutal attention of the males. A few of them were shaking in terror, especially when the low-life was after them.

The males showed that they were the bosses of the tank and the females just had to take what the males were doing to them. The females had no one to turn to. It was, I admit, so, so very unfair.

It is now three weeks later. All 15 females are pregnant. Does the female’s condition stop the males? Absolutely not. The males, especially the low-life, are still going after them maniacally.

I am not an advocate of such disgusting behavior. Polyguppoly should be outlawed. I have now stopped believing in Weh Yah’s advice. It is fishism at its worst.

Read Frank’s book Confessions of a Wayward Catholic! Available on Amazon.com, kindle, e-books, Barnes and Noble and at other bookstores.

My Guppy Is Gay

 

I have four fish tanks in my house: a five gallon tank with a Beta and five guppies (this sits right here on my desk); a 20 gallon tank with 18 guppies and 12 neon tetras; and a 55 gallon tank with eight really big angel fish and about 14 platies. Then I have the monster, the 205 gallon tank with an assortment of fish.

Platies are live bearers and, although this is gruesome, my angels have gotten huge because they devour the platies’ constant supply of babies.  Between the flake food and platy babies my angels have a good, clean, healthy diet. The 55 gallon tank is right behind my desk in my home office.

So the five, the 20, the 55 and the 205 gallon tanks are in my office.

Today I got in an order of 12 more really, really fancy guppies for my 20 gallon tank, four males and eight females You always need more females because the males are maniacs when it comes to sex—they must have 100 orgasms a day! Then I noticed something—one of my new, magnificently beautiful male guppies is gay, I kid you not.

After they got used to the tank, which for guppies takes about five minutes, the other male guppies were nailing the female guppies all over the place. These fellows have constant boners. They are like 12-year-old human males.

But this particular guppy didn’t go near a female. No. Instead he’d go under the male guppies and try to copulate with them (dare I say this?) anally. I mean, guppies do have, uh, openings and you should see how long and fearsome their do-do’s are but this guy was going for the exit. He totally ignored the females. (You cannot mistake a male guppy for a female. They are two totally different looking fish.)

I watched for a good half hour and not once did he give a damn about the females scurrying all over the place trying to escape the rapaciousness of the other male guppies. This guy just kept trying to plow the other guys. I’ve never seen anything like it. A gay fish! It has nothing to do with his upbringing or a desire to turn his sexuality in a different direction. His DNA simply said, “Yay, gay!”

Then I noticed something else—something amazing—one of my new female guppies is a lesbian, I swear to God. What the hell was going on? There was one female Guppy who fought—and I mean went head to head—with the male guppies trying to, uh, court her. She was a tough gal. The male guppies were much smaller and actually afraid of her. Of course, the raging boners of the males made them go to her time and again and she just violently shoed them away.

The male guppies had to avoid the jabs of my gay guppy and then they had to be really wary of the big female guppy who seemed to have murder in her heart.

It is possible that this is an evolutionary breakthrough—although I don’t know how the gay guppy and the lesbian guppy will reproduce more of their kind. I only have this to say, God created these guppies so He must approve of them and want them to (you know) do whatever the hell they do.

(My new book Confessions of a Wayward Catholic is now available at Amazon.)