Announcer: Ladies and young ladies and even younger ladies and you red blooded guys, welcome to The Dating Game: Cheaters’ Edition. Here is our co-host, the ultimate comedian Mister Bill Cosby!
(Wild applause. Camera pans the audience and it is all male. Many are wearing backwards red baseball caps.)
Cosby: Ha! Ha! Thank you! Thank you! As I told that young lady backstage, “Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.”
Announcer: And what did she say?
Cosby: Nothing. She was … asleep! (Wild applause.) Anyway, let’s moooove on. My fellow co-anchor is chomping at the bit to get out here and give his spin about men on women. Here he is, the one and only Bill O’Reilly.
O’Reilly: Wow! It’s great to be out…so to speak! (Wild applause.) Okay, calm down folks – you gotta love the folks…
Cosby: That’s what I’ve been saying for years! (Wild applause.)
O’Reilly: As you know we will have four married men who are known for their unique talents with the ladies and these men will try to convince a young lady to ask them on a date.
Cosby (fiddling in his pocket): One, two, three…
O’Reilly: Hey, Bill, what are you counting?
Cosby: The number of pills in my pocket! (Wild laughter.)
O’Reilly: Okay, let me introduce our contestants. Our young lady is in a sound-proof room and will not be able to hear or say anything.
Cosby: That’s how I like ‘em! (Wild laughter.)
O’Reilly: Our first contestant is the former movie producer Harvey Weinstein. (Wild applause. Harvey waddles on stage and takes his place.) Welcome to the show Mr. Weinstein.
Weinstein: Thank you. I’m feeling a need for a shower! Anybody care to watch? (Wild laughter.)
O’Reilly: You are some big kidder Harvey!
Weinstein: “Big” is the word I’d use to describe me!
Cosby: Ha! Ha!
O’Reilly: And speaking of “big,” let me introduce you to our next contestant, the picture of perfection himself, Anthony Weiner!
(Anthony Weiner walks out on stage to wild applause.)
Weiner: You know guys, I am thinking of running for councilman in Brooklyn.
O’Reilly: That’s gonna be tough.
Weiner: I have just the campaign photos. (Wild laughter.) Let me show them to you.
O’Reilly: Later. Let’s move on. Our third contestant is one of the greatest lovers of all time. From his days as Governor of Arkansas to the Presidency of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton! (Wild applause.)
(Clinton walks on stage, waving to the crowd, who are now chanting “Bill! Bill! Bill!”)
O’Reilly: We have a lot of “Bills” on this show.
Cosby: You gotta have a lot of bills in your wallet if you want to be successful at what we do!
Weinstein, Clinton, Weiner: That’s for sure! (Wild laughter.)
Clinton: It’s great to be here…Bills! Just keep in mind that I did not have sex with that woman – except once – I mean Hillary! I am not with her! (Wild laughter and applause. He takes his seat and shakes the hands of Weinstein and Weiner.)
O’Reilly: And now the numero uno man himself; the man with the hands of – shall we say the hands that have grabbed the golden ring? – the current President of the United States, Donald J. Trump! (The audience is cheering insanely. Some are throwing their red baseball caps into the air.)
Trump: Take a look at my fellow contestants. All Democrats. You see in certain situations we men are all alike! When you are famous you can get away with anything. (He makes out as if he is grabbing something. Wild cheers as he takes his seat.)
Cosby: Women are all the same too, especially when asleep.
O’Reilly: Now let me introduce our young lady of the evening. Justine, a waitress from Bayshore, New York.
(Onto the stage walks a pretty 21 year old woman. She looks somewhat nervous. There is applause and some of the baseball-capped men shout out, “Mr. President, just grab it and make America great again.”)
Weinstein: Young lady are you interested in being a movie star?
Cosby: I have some vitamins here that can reduce nervousness.
Clinton: There is an intern position open in my company.
O’Reilly: Okay, everyone calm down and we can start the questioning.
Young Lady: Contestant number one; what is the most important thing in life to you?
#1 Weinstein: Being able to do what I want because they want something from me.
Young Lady: Contestant number two. What is it you want in life?
#2 Weiner: To show my pictures to you. How old are you?
Young Lady: I’m twenty-one.
#2 Weiner: Oh, well, uh, would you happen to have a daughter with an iPhone?
Cosby: Number two, you have some sense of huma!
Young Lady: Number three. What is your favorite colored dress?
#3 Clinton: Blue. Freshly cleaned. No stains.
Young Lady: Number three, do you smoke?
#3 Clinton: Keep in mind that sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar.
Young Lady: Contestant four. What color hair do you have?
#4 Trump: I don’t know. But I do have very large hands if you get my point.
Young Lady: Contestant number three. Do you play a musical instrument?
#3 Clinton: Yes, the harmonica.
Young Lady: Contestant number two. What instrument do you play?
#2 Weiner: I blow my own horn. I have pictures of that if you’d like to see them.
Young Lady: Contestant number one. What is your biggest asset?
#1 Weinstein: How did you know I call it my asset? Do you enjoy showers?
O’Reilly: Okay, that’s it for the questions. Young lady, have you made a choice?
Young Lady: Well, I am debating between number three and number four. I can’t figure out which one it is.
#3 Clinton: That depends on what the definition of “is” is.
Young Lady: Oh, you are so funny! I pick number three!
O’Reilly: Great, great, before you meet number three the folks want to know where he will take you on your date?
#3 Clinton: We’ll be going to a furniture store to pick out a desk.
(Wild, insane applause.)
Frank Scoblete’s latest books are I Am a Dice Controller: Inside the World of Advantage-Play Craps, Confessions of a Wayward Catholic and I Am a Card Counter: Inside the World of Advantage-Play Blackjack. Available from Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, and at bookstores.